Balls Capone

Adventures in the Jade Cave

It was a warm day, perfect weather for the lake I was hanging out at.  The lake was enclosed by large white cliffs that lead up to beautiful majestic mountains covered in green foliage.  The sand of the beach was bright white, it had a glow to it, and it was a sharp contrast to the perfectly emerald waters of the lake washing up before my feet. 

The water was super clear, you could see all the way to the bottom pretty much anywhere, it just so looked super refreshing so I threw my shirt off and wiggled out of the strange pirate like, red and black striped looms I was wearing.  Why am I dressed like a cheap halloween pirate?  But it didn't matter, there ain't no one around, so I slid off my boxers as well and decided to go in as nature intended.

I was ready for the shock of the cold water, but there was no shock or the sting of pins and needles.  The cool water gently caressed my feet as I walked out into the deeper waters, I took my hand from the water and it made my skin sparkle in the strangest way, almost like my skin turned the same color as the water. 

No matter, there was no fear here, but a strange mysterious energy filled the air, I've felt this before, it most always means I'm going on an adventure or I'm going to find something cool.  So I plunged under the water and the cool relaxing feeling now flooded over my whole being, if only real water could be this great, hell I'd never get out of the tub!  I found out quickly that I had no trouble breathing under this water and again, there was no fear at all. 

So I headed down into the depths to see what I could find.  The water was so clear that it let all the light down to the bottom, so everything was lit up amazingly and looked beautiful.  The plants on the bottom were strange though, they looked as if they were an artists rendering of plants, almost painted in a way, and they seemed to be made out of glass, like living stained glass windows.  The light came in from above and the plants would amplify it, throwing their glowing colored lights everywhere which illuminated the bottom even more. 

There were all sorts of different kinds and colors, then a fish swam by, it was the same as the plants like a living moving 3D stained glass window, it's little purple glowing eye darting back and forth taking a good look at me before heading off on it's own journey.

About 30 feet away there was a depression in the lake bed and it led into darkness under a rock overhang.  There was a little wooden sign here stuck into the bottom with the letters "JC" and an arrow pointing into the darkness under the overhang.  So I decided I would follow the directions and I headed in, it was a tunnel and I could see light up ahead so I kept swimming toward it.  I'm not one for confined spaces, especially underwater, so this tunnel part did ping me with some anxiety.  But seeing plenty of room ahead of me and the light source gave me peace.

I eventually emerged inside of a cave, there were many perfectly shaped holes in the cave ceiling so the light came in all over the place and made perfect triangles, circles, stars, squares, and semi-circles on the cave floor.  There were carved stairs in the rock bottom of the pool making it easy to walk out of the water.

There was only one way to go in the cave and in front of me were two guards standing next to a doorway with a flickering red light inside.  The guards were dressed like ancient natives of a far off land, loin cloths, lots of beads, headdresses, large spears, colorful carved masks, and their skin was jade in color and  covered in a fine red dust.  It was a very powerful image, they made me a little nervous, but I approached anyhow.

"Welcome to the Jade Cave!", said one of the guards as I approached him. 

"Please, feel free to sit anywhere you'd like, someone will be with you shortly", he said as he graciously led me inside. 

It was a nightclub, a large dimly lit rectangular room with many round tables in the middle and booths lining the walls all filled with many different kinds of people and creatures, and at the end of the room was a large stage all lit up by colored lights.  All of the tables had an ancient looking figurine in the middle made of emerald, ruby, sapphire, jade, or diamond and they glowed intensely creating a room full of glowing colored objects in the darkness.  This was such a satisfying room, I can't tell you how much I loved that scene.

I was drawn to a particular table, so I sat down at one of the  emerald tables on the second level above the main floor and before I knew it I was greeted by a friendly waitress with a familiar face.  It was my old friend, TaNi but she looked just like the guards at the door did, jade skin, ancient dress, and covered in that strange red dust.  She didn't seem to recognize me, even after I greeted her with excitement.

She took my drink order and walked over into the bar area where she vanished into a doorway with green colored light coming out of it, so I got up and followed her only to be met with a solid rock wall to the face.  Well, apparently this was a "staff only" area and anyone who wasn't staff just encountered a rock wall instead of a passable doorway.  Ouch.  It looked like a doorway, but only for them.  Well, that's one way of keeping people out I guess.  So I picked up my pride, went back to my table and waited.

Up in the lobby area where I had come from I could see other beings arriving, they would appear in these cavities in the solid rock wall.  They looked like places where pay phone booths may have once been, but emanated a strange orangish light.  These beings could travel through solid rock and would appear in the little booths.  These were the VIP folks, only the best of the best could travel this way and they were treated as such.

I watched as a man walked out of the booths, he had on grey pants that shone with the light of stars, same with his shirt that was under a bright red jacket with adorned with glowing yellow diamond shapes with a blue crystal in the middle of each.  Rainbow colored chains hung on each side, one for each of his wallets.  He was just that cool.  But, he was no normal man, as he had the face of a Rhinoceros adorned with custom sunglasses.  his name was Tusk and he was coolest cat in the underground.

I felt underdressed, in fact, I was completely naked.  I had forgotten this fact and I began to feel very uncomfortable and self conscious, yet no one had said anything to me at all.  But just at that moment, one of the Jade Ushers rushed over to me with a colorful suit I would quickly put on.  Oh man, It looked exactly like my old clothes from the beach, discount Jack Sparrow, but like they were made of stained glass.  I looked ridiculous, but at least I wasn't naked anymore.

TaNi eventually came back with my drink in a glowing green glass, it looked either deadly or delicious, maybe both, but this time she sat down next to me and smiled.  She must have finally recognized it was me, in was dark in there.  So I started to talk, excited to catch up, but she shushed me and pointed to the stage,

"The show's starting", she said. 

So I shut up. 

It was another one of these jade guys, but he's dressed up in a suit and tie all made of that red dust.  Oh, I see, it's a comedy show!  But, as he stared going, I realized I couldn't understand anything he was saying, it was all in a strange language. 

TaNi was cackling and I was trying to follow, but I had no idea what the guy was saying at all.  She kept looking at me like, "Dude, isn't this the best?" but all I could do is provide uncomfortable laughter as I pretended to know what was going on.

Then suddenly the guy walks off the stage, down the isle, and walks up to my table, the blinding spot light hitting me in face and the guy starts asking me questions in this strange language while putting his glowing diamond microphone in my face. 

I didn't know what to say and people in the crowd started yelling things at me and mocking me. 

"Say something....",

"come on.....",

"Who is this clown??",

"BORING....", yelled Tusk from the VIP section.

Oh man, I'm even being heckled by Tusk, he's the coolest cat around!  I felt ashamed.  I really wanted to be his friend for some reason and this horrible embarrassing scene I was making wasn't going to get me anywhere near his booth. 

I could understand all the hecklers, but not this guy with the mic.  I looked over and TaNi was gone, but this guy just kept saying the same thing over and over, it sounded like,

"Gyanglee Oh Sushi Me Needy"

and he just kept saying it louder and louder and getting closer and closer to my face every time.  Too aggressive, he had now pushed me too far and I reached up and simply face pushed him back away from me. 

The crowd gasped in shock and he quivered in anger as his face twisted into a furious grimace.  He motioned towards the door and the guards instantly came in, took my delicious green drink from me, and promptly threw me out into the cave.

I was then warned on the way out that if I behaved badly again, I could be banned from the Jade Cave for all eternity and have to spend three hours in the "Barnacle Cove", which sounded quite unpleasant. 

I apologized profusely, but my apologies fell on deaf ears and every time I tried to go back in the guards would cross their jade spears in front of me and not allow me to enter. 

I guess I blew it.  I hope I get to go back someday, that place was cool.  Did I just get ghosted by a ghost?  Haha, a fun adventure though and it was good to see TaNi again, even if she was just a creation of my silly brain.