Balls Capone

There's a Dick on the Moon - by P.N. Neville

In my dreams last night I had a glimpse of the near future, an event that would change the lives of everyone of us, and for months there would be no war, no bloody conflict, put plenty of confusion and a whole lot of laughter. 

You see, the whole world was waiting anxiously, as two large asteroids had been tracked heading toward the Earth, but NASA and all the other cosmic space geniuses were pretty sure it would pass right by us, but there was a slim chance one might hit the Moon.  So, everyone would head out during the night time to look for the asteroids to see if they hit the moon. 

Well, one night, it actually happened.  A giant asteroid slammed into the surface of the moon and broke into two chunks, one vaporized into a large crater, but the other half bounced and slid across the face of the moon before continuing back out into space, making a strange, yet frighteningly familiar shape. 

It was an awesome celestial event, people gasped in horror as the dust clouds rose into space obscuring the view.  What would the moon look like now?  How might this affect the tides?  Would it affect life on earth as we know it? 

Oh, yes.  But not in the way you think. 

When the dust and debris finally cleared, everyone was shocked to see what was left on the surface of the moon.  The impact had created a gigantic crater and gouge that looked just like a giant dick and balls.  There was a dick on the moon.

Some screamed in anger, others laughed hysterically, some wept, for there was a dick on the moon.  Now and forever, every night, you would get a face full of dick, dick from the moon and there was nothing you could do about it.

There was major unrest in many countries and the Governments of the world along with the leaders of the major religions all got together to try and figure out what to do about the giant dick on the moon.  We couldn't just leave it there, right?  Can we really live with a dick on the moon?  But every scenario seemed absolutely impossible, we just don't have the kind of technology we'd need to get the machinery and supplies up there to fix the moon, as the giant phallus shaped crater was about the size of the Grand Canyon here on earth. 

There was just no way to fix it, there was nothing we could do, we had to face it.  There's a dick on the moon and probably always will be.

It slowly started to become part of normal life, folks wrote songs about it, I remember hearing a cheesy slow Country song that was playing on a TV in my dream.

We had a beautiful moon

We thought it'd be there forever too

But then the asteroids came

Gave the old girl a bang

Now there's a giant wang

Up on our Moon

And I don't know what he'd say

If Jesus came back this way

But I hope it isn't today

Because, there's a dick on our moon

New sayings were coined, like, "Hey man, you wanna go grab a cold one?" 

"Pfft, is there a dick on the moon?"

But eventually it just became party of normal life and maybe the world was better off in a way, with a dick on the moon.  But some didn't think so, a large group of radical religious groups were plotting in secret along with the leaders of certain nations.  They were going to try to find a way to actually blow up the moon. 

The internet was filling with a new propaganda campaign with the hashtag of "#DestroyItForDecency", and many had joined in the ranks.  The large groups gathered to protest and demanded the moon be destroyed for the sake of the children! 

Teary eyed women, infuriated and horrified by the dick on the moon would be interviewed on the TV news channels saying how they can no longer let her children out at night in good conscience, or let them see the moon because they'd just be getting a face full of moon dick. 

"Something has to be done!", "Destroy the Moon!", she screamed at the cameras, her face twisted in furious rage.

There were many discussions about the possibility of just blowing the damn thing up, but again, we lack the technology and ability to be able to take on such a monstrous task.  We couldn't blow up the moon, not to mention that it would probably destroy all life on this planet without it.

So it was eventually decided that we were just going to have to live with it for now, maybe someday in the future we'll be able to get that dick off the moon.  But for now, there's a dick on the moon and there always will be.