Balls Capone

Poor Choices, with your host, Patrick Neville.

Today's Memory:  Hiking in JNCO's.

This is a story I've rarely told, but If you know me, you know I love my JNCO jeans. I have since the 90's and I've always worn a pair or two throughout the years.

Well, back in the day when I was much much younger and sillier, I used to wear the big giant ones, like the mammoths or crime scenes.  The 50 - 60 inch bottoms/legs.  The insane ones that were like wearing a giant denim skirt.   I never had any problems until the day I went hiking in them.  I never even thought of it, they were just pants, what I wore most days.

I ended up in the mountains taking a walk and I came upon a stream with a big log fallen over the top.  But while crossing the log, I slipped, lost my balance and fell down into the rushing water, soaking the jeans past my knees.  It was springtime so the water level was high and moving rather fast.  So, the excessive amount of denim, now totally waterlogged became extremely heavy and the fast moving current latched on.

Suddenly my feet come off the ground and I splash directly onto my back into the fast moving ice cold mountain water, nearly smashing my head on the log on the way down.  I lifted my torso out of the water to be able to breath, but I couldn't get my legs out because the pants were so damn heavy.  it was like an iron blanket holding me underwater, acting like a giant water sail, and I was being pulled downstream towards the big rocks faster and faster.  It was almost funny to me until I realized that I may actually be in danger here.

So, I did what I had to do.  I unbuttoned the jeans, pointed my feet, and took the pants off, letting them head downstream on their own.  Though they got caught up on my sandals and continued to take me downstream, now like a giant weight at my far end taking me ever faster.  So here I am, floating down this stream, flopping around with my pants down to my ankles like some weird mountain pervert befouling the serenity of the beautiful natural surroundings.

I'm certainly glad there was no one around to see that, I'm sure it was quite the scene.  I finally got them free and I was able to put my feet down and swim my way out of it.  I was shocked, it all seemed so unreal.  I sat there in the cold water wondering what had just taken place.  I just started laughing, it all seemed to hit me right then just how ridiculous I looked in those, and now they've nearly drown me.

Could those extra big ass pants have killed me?  Yeah, I guess so.

So there I am, on the other bank standing in my soaked shirt and tighty whities.   Now I had to get out of there, but I had to get back to my car and find those expensive pants.  At least my sandals had survived.

I was hiding in the bushes every time a family or hiker came walking by.  Here's this dude, just chillin in his undies in the bushes.  No big deal.  A touch embarrassing, all in all.  I did eventually find the pants downstream wrapped around a tree.  It almost took a crowbar to get them out of there with the heavy current. 

That occasion marked the end of wearing the super big pants for me. From then on it's been the 26 inches max.  The baggy, but reasonable pairs.  The ones that won't endanger your life.

Important Safety Tip:

Don't go hiking in the extra big ass JNCO's, or at least don't try to cross streams/rivers. You will go down and the water will take you!