Balls Capone

Some new crazy dreams last night.  I was the captain of a Starship, but it wasn't Star Trek, it was called SPACE SERVICE.  The morons that run our Government couldn't come up with a better name, so we got stuck with that.  But boy were they proud of it.  We were treated like royalty and received a send off as such. 

We were to investigate the strange planet Smembulon 7 and it's strange peoples, The Orwindians.  Our last mission to this planet had ended in catastrophe and we lost a good man to the mission.  No, he wasn't dead, but he might as well be.  Upon return, he quit the Space Service,  moved into his Mom's basement, died his hair black, and basically turned into a reclusive creep who spends most of his time sobbing in the corner.  What kind of horrors did he witness on this strange world?  What could have done that to such a great man?  Well, I had been sent with my brave crew to find out.

There were no transporters in this universe, we had invented the technology, but we still trying to keep the oil companies profitable, so the tech was buried and instead we used these shitty things called Insta-Hummers, which were basically normal Hummers that could fly but still used gas and oil to do it.  They didn't run very well in space and they had a tendency to break down and strand you floating around some strange planet until they could send another Hummer to get you, if any of them were running right that is. 

So me and a few members of my crew took a Hummer down to the surface, shockingly, we made it without problems.  It seems The Orwindians were very Xenophobic and they didn't like outsiders at all.  They had a special ability to probe the minds of invaders and find out their weaknesses. 

They were a super annoying race, fat, gross little hairy dwarf like sub humans with high pitched Fran Drescher like voices.  They would come squirming out of the rocks, slowly walking around you with disapproving looks on their greasy faces, making really judgmental sounds.  I found it humorous, as it seemed we could easily defeat this race of greasy Homunculus.  But they had a mighty weapon we did not know about.

First, your pants would come undone all by themselves and flop to the ground, leaving you bereft of trouser upon a strange world.  Try as you might, you would not be able to pull them back up, as they now weighed as much as a thousand suns.  Shocked and embarrassed, we pulled with all our might to lift our fallen trousers, but to no avail. 

Then, to our horror, our undies just vanished into thin air, leaving our bare genitalia for all to see. 

And then.......they would make fun of your penis.  Like REALLY make fun of it and as soon as one of them started, the others would all come and join in. 

Oh, the horror, the ego crushing horror!  They knew of the fragile ego of the human male species and they took full advantage to remove us from their world.

"OH MY GOD, LOOK HOW SMALL HIS PENIS IS!"

"IT'S SO TINY, SOMEONE GET A PICTURE!"

"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE TINY IN YOUR LIFE?"

"HOW DOES HE LIVE WITH HIMSELF?!"

It was like nothing we had ever faced before.  I now knew why the former mission captain had come back so humiliated and totally emasculated. 

"Please, stop.......don't, please, don't do this to us!", I begged, as my men burst into tears. 

"I DON'T HAVE A SMALL PENIS!", screamed the Doctor as he broke down into a teary rage. 

"Get a hold of yourself, Man!  Don't let them in!  You have to fight!  You may not have the length, but your girth is legendary!", I yelled, trying to ease his tortured mind.

"WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND??  IT'S EXTREMELY ADEQUATE, JUST LOOK AT IT'S IMPRESSIVE SIZE!", the Doctor screamed again.

But it was also very cold there and only getting colder by the minute.  Even the largest of jubbalo would be reduced to a vienna sausage like state.  The laughter of the Orwindians would only increase at our pleas for mercy.  The penile insults had now become so severe that my mighty Space Service team had been reduced to mere blubbering children, now on their knees begging for mercy, their once seemingly unbreakable confidence and self esteem now stripped from them like gold from the mountains.

The Orwindians relished in their success over us.  They laughed in pleasure and high fived each other in victory.  Another crew defeated!  Was this the end for Space Service?

It took all my might to even speak words at this point, the shame was so intense.  I managed to squeak out some phrases to Mr. Long, our slightly psychic Science officer.

"Mr. Long........you........have...to.......help........you.....must......help us.  You must.....use....your abilities to.......bring our....confidence.......back.", I eked out in agony.

"I don't know if.....I can, sir.  My penis......it's......just so small, my abilities........diminished.", cried Mr. Long.

"MY GOD, MAN......you......HAVE....to try", I retorted with all my might.

But before he could do anything,  Lt. Barzanna, a woman, arrived in a Hummer.  See, the torturous words of the Orwindians had no effect on her and she stood there over us, arms crossed, looking quite unimpressed. 

"REALLY?", she said in a dry disgusted tone. 

"Please, help us!", I gasped in agony as she chased the little creatures off back into the rocks. 

"You guys are really pathetic sometimes, you know that?", said Lt. Barzanna. 

Humiliated, we picked up our space trousers and returned to the ship for a long recovery.

Queue montage of us all in hospital beds, suffering greatly, spitting up liquids, unable to eat, writhing in agony while the women of the ship completed the mission and got us home.

We survived, but barely, then they gave me a medal, but we all knew who the real hero was that day.

Dreams can be fun, yet painful.