Balls Capone

In my dreams last night I went to this strange future party. I drove a bright orange jeep with no top on it, a strange vehicle for one of my dreams, as I've never driven a topless jeep in my life. I guess I thought I thought I was pretty damn cool, I had all these 3D looking colorful bandannas tied to the shifter and gear box levers inside of the jeep. It looked very odd, but I guess that was considered cool in this world. I had a jacket on that also swirled with strange bright colors, it changed in the light/dark and was like a mood ring, but a jacket instead. My pants were a glimmering starry night sky, I guess in this world your clothes can display images on them, so you can have any kind of pattern or look you desire. It's LED pants/clothing, same with the shoes, they were the shape of Chuck Taylors, but also had the Starry Night pattern glimmering on them.

I looked pretty killer in my cool future clothes and bright orange jeep, I was also super skinny and in damn good shape, not something I've ever really experienced in my life. So it all felt strange, I was so light! I could move with ease, I walked up to the house the party was happening at and met some friends who were all displaying Basketball Jersey's on their LED clothing and playing some ball. So I joined them, and I could BALL, I had serious game, also something I've never experienced in my life! I kicked their asses without even breaking a sweat. I was the king! So I headed inside and the walls in the house could also display anything you desired. There were funky party patterns all over the walls that danced to the beat of the music, when you danced the house would sync up with you so everything around you danced with you. You could also ask for anything you wanted and the house would hear you, "I want a whiskey on the rocks", I said out loud, and seconds later there was a drink sitting on the table next to me. Wow, talk about a smart house. This future rocks! Let's party! But the good times weren't to last.

I had these friends at the party, also very flashy in their choice of display and obviously also, "The beautiful people." They were trying to get me to try this new drug called "The Way" and everyone was totally all about it. I had a bad feeling about it though and I didn't really want to get all blown away on some crazy designer drug, but they were pushing and pushing hard. Then this girl comes up to me, she is almost completely white and had purple eyes, she was the ice queen. She was so unbelievably beautiful and she had perfect and I mean perfect breasts. She reached out for me, but my hand just went right through her.

"Only, through "The Way" can you enjoy my fruits", she said as she rubbed her own breasts with a teasing gaze.

I guess I didn't have much willpower as this person, because I instantly folded and agreed to take "The Way."

I was brought into a crystalline bedroom in the back of the house where everything was made of shimmering quartz with different lights and images inside of them. I was told to sit at the crystal altar and await instructions. So I did, I was shaking with anticipation, I didn't care about anything else but getting to that beautiful girl and her bitchin' tits. Just like in real life, I'm still a sucker for a pretty face I guess. Then, with a strange orange flash, a yellow piece of paper appeared on the altar with something taped to it. It looked like a kid had made this, it had a sloppy "take this" written on it in what looked like crayon. Under the tape was a rainbow pill, it looked like a color wheel, it was so beautiful. Oh well, what the hell, down the hatch!  The pill slid strangely down my throat, I could feel every little sensation as it it slowly descending towards my stomach, a strange cold radiating feeling moving outward in a star like pattern through my body.  This wasn't a very good feeling and I started to get some anxiety, but the feeling only became more and more intense. I felt super cold as all the crystals in the room had turned into actual ice and it was now snowing in the room. All of the doors and windows had vanished and I was now laying on the surface of some kind of ice world. I guess this is what happens when you don't think and go chasing ice boobs.

I heard laughing and I could tell it was my friends from back at the party, I sat up and could flash back into reality a little here and there, they were all standing around making fun of me trip out on the floor. I heard on of them say, "Oh, man! He's in a BAD way!", and then everything went black.

I awoke to myself standing in a fog filled room. It looked like a cheesy TV effect from the 1960's and of course out of the fog comes the person I'm supposed to talk to. It was a guy sitting at a desk with a little lamp shining on some paperwork. He looked tired, grumpy, and overworked.

"Come on, come here, let's go", he grumbled at me while beckoning me come. I walked over to him and he asked me my name.

So I responded "Pat", he just rolled his eyes, sighed, and said in a very flaming fashion,

"OH MY GOD, save me from the living", "you won't remember now, but your name in your life, or whatever you call it, is always a few letters off and a little shorter than your real name, DUH! Your name is Pragatt, ring any bells??"

It didn't, not at all. He told me his name was Lulettal and he was assigned to my case.

"I see your retiring early, like really early", said Lulettal, "You won't even be getting half of your soul pension you know? Sucks to be you, I guess", he sighed in an snarky tone.

"Wait, what do you mean?", I asked him.

Again, Lulettal rolled his eyes at me and said "YOU'RE DEAD GENIUS! GOD, TAKE A HINT!"

What? Dead? No! It couldn't be.

But Lulettal had a little pad with him and you could see my body laying on the floor at the party with orange goo coming out of all my orifices, then being loaded onto a stretcher, my friends shaking their heads like I was the one to blame as they loaded my gooey corpse into a hearse.

So I begged, I pleaded that I wanted to go back, I wasn't ready to "retire" yet and that I wanted to live my full life!

You see, in this after world, the longer you lived and did what you were supposed to do in life, the bigger your "Soul Pension" would be when you died. Then you could retire to the stars in style, but if you cut it short or blew it, you'd be living in the soul crushing apartments across the street from the bus station and you'd have to get a soul job, like my friend Lulettal here, no wonder he was so pissed off. I didn't want that fate, so I asked again if there was anyway I could go back, if there was anything I could do to try again.

Lulettal just stared at me in grumpy silence and finally said,

"Okay, this is the very last time though. If you blow it again, you go right back to the motel and management says you'll get 1500 more lifetimes added to your assignment. So don't blow it, genius."

And just like that, I woke up in my body, but it was dark, cold, and confined. I was in a body bag at the morgue! Horror flooded through me as I fought to get out of the bag. I finally broke through the zipper only to realize I was in one of those metal freezer drawers and I couldn't get it open from the inside. So I started pounding on it as hard as I could while screaming at the top of my lungs. Suddenly the drawer opens and a very frightened looking intern was looking upon me as I basically rose from the grave. I just looked at him, reached down, turned back on my sparkling star pants, and said

"Hey, man. Don't let em send you to hell, give em hell!", and walked out the swinging doors like the cool cat I am.

I was gonna live smooth and clean from there on out, I can't wait to retire to the stars with my full soul pension, no soul bus station for me!

What an adventure!