I had this dream last night that I woke up in ancient Egypt. I was myself, with my current clothes on. I was in this grass hut laying on a little table, there was a few scraps of bread sitting next to me as if someone expected me to wake up. What a lovely breakfast. But I crunched the chunks down anyway just to get myself something to eat. I felt woozy and really heavy, it still hadn't dawned on me where I was. I was just confused. I stuck my head out of the hut and saw a magnificent city before me.

I walked out of the hut and the people began to gather around me. Who is this blindingly white guy? Why is he wearing those strange items? But I could not answer them, I had no idea what they were saying and no one had any idea what I was saying. I could see the initial curiosity was wearing off and turning to fear. This was not going to end well for me.

Some ran towards the walls of the city while others stood and shouted language at me. The shouts were becoming more aggressive all the time. I put my hands up over my head to try and show them that I didn't have anything and I meant them no harm. Wait a minute, these are ancient peoples, not cops. Why do I have my hands up? I'm not getting arrested. At least not yet.

So, I sat down cross legged in the sand and tried to look, normal? But they didn't care for that either. They began shouting louder, as if I had offered them some kind of insults. So, I stood back up. As I did, the crowd gasped and backed away in terror. Now, more and more began to pour out of the city to see the odd stranger, now attempting to shade his large gleaming white head from the burning hot desert sun. Man it was hot, I could feel my delicate Irish skin already beginning to turn red.

Suddenly something flew in from my left and whumped me in the head. My vision went cloudy and I went out, flopping face first into the hot sand.

I came to in a dimly lit room, covered in a thin sheet that was cooling to the touch. There was a golden vessel next to me that was obviously filled with water. I was so thirsty, I grabbed the gold cup and looked in. The water was certainly questionable, but I chugged it down anyway.

I heard a voice from the other side of the room and there was a tall man in golden robes standing there watching me. He spoke, but again, I did not understand. So, I tried as well, which only seemed to anger him. Guards now entered the room and surrounded me. They looked at the golden man and he motioned to his throat in a obvious, "Just kill him" gesture. Oh, no! The guard to my left pulled a large curved knife from his side and headed my way with a little smile on his face.

In a panic, I started talking fast and using my hands trying to show them that I may yet be useful. I reached down to the sand covered floor and started drawing wheels. Hey, I know, maybe if I can show them things they'll let me live. The king, or I'm guessing it was the King, held up his hand and halted the guards. He looked intrigued. He walked in front of me and ran his hand down the side of my body, feeling the fabrics in my modern clothes. I can only imagine what a pair of JNCO's would look like to ancient peoples, as I'm basically wearing enough fabric to cloth about 6 people, maybe 10 if you include children.

He motioned to me, an obvious request to remove my pants. Oh, well, uh, okay, I guess. Now, horrible visions began to fill my head. This could be a bad sign of an impending corn haulin'. But the King just smiled instead and began laughing as he gazed upon my super white legs. The guards joined in and they all had a good laugh.

I could tell they thought I was some kind of mutant and they considered it hilarious. They brought in a cap made from some kind of animal skin and stuck it on my head. I looked like an idiot. But I think that was the whole point, the King found me amusing and I think it was the only thing keeping me alive. So, I started doing a stupid dance and making noises like a baby. They found it wonderful and couldn't stop laughing. But that was a mistake, because after they took my pants, they brought me the ancient version of a baby diaper to wear instead. I was just waiting for my rattle to complete the outfit.

The king made them cut my beard off, as it was larger and more majestic than his and he did not care for that. He couldn't have his new court jester looking more manly than he. The women took my cut off beard and braided it into a fun design, which the king then had taken to his chamber to use as a decoration.

It was humiliating, they made me dance and make stupid noises for hours. I guess it was better than dying, but it was close call. During the great feeding hour of the King I got myself a break and was given some more of that crusty bread and dirty water. Yum.

Now bored and chained to a stone wall, I grabbed a chalky rock from the ground and started drawing on the wall with it. I was trying to draw my truck but apparently in ancient times I still suck at art, so it looked like something a 4th grader drew. I figured it would only draw more laughter from the king and his minions, so I continued.

When the king arrived he was entranced by my drawings. He looked at me and spoke language, but in a way that I could almost understand. He pointed to my childish drawing and I knew he was asking what it was. So I just put my hands up like I was driving in my little clown car and went "beep beep."

"Beep, Beep!", the King said. "BEEP!, BEEP!", he bellowed.

He pointed to the doorway and so I got up and went where he was pointing.

I was brought to what looked like a workshop, there were large logs, stone, and other materials around with ancient tools scattered about.

The King pointed at the pile of logs and stone and said, "Beep, Beep!"

Apparently, I was to make him a Beep Beep from giant logs of timber and stone. So, I got to work with the terrible tools I had available to me. I hacked away at the logs and it took what felt like an eternity to even make one square part. Do I make the kings car out of stone or wood? I don't know, wood is lighter, so I decided to make a wagon. A Pharaoh Phlier, if you will.

I set to work and carved out 4 wooden wheels and started to invent the first cart for the king. But, if you know me at all, you know I have the wood working skills of Homer Simpson and lets just say, the king was not impressed with my janky attempt at a car. They whooped the tar out of me and took joy in destroying my wobbly invention with swords and mauls right in front of me. I was then thrown back into the workshop to try again.

Again, I would fail and got the shit beat of me for a 2nd time. But pain is a good teacher and after about the 5th or 6th week of beatings I started to actually figure out how to get things done right.

I did it, I built a stable cart that the King could be pulled around in. I thought maybe I would be rewarded for my efforts. No dice.

"Hey, everyone check out the Kings new awesome invention!"

Dick.

I guess I should have expected it.

But, soon I became a pretty decent craftsman and I made all sorts of modern stuff for the King. I was probably altering history severely, but hey, it's a dream, who cares. Next thing I knew I was forging Iron and metals and building wheels with tires and forging bearings for the axles. I was going to build my King an actual working car! Screw history, with this we can take over the world.

Should I make him a gun? lol, nah.

Anyway, it went on like that for a good long time and I was eventually given my own golden robes and no longer had to live in a hay pile in the workshop. Life wasn't bad, but I sure had earned it. Our empire was now steadily growing and with my future tech, the King was truly hailed as a God. Many other societies fell before us and it really looked like world conquest wasn't far away. I had just invented the King his first tank. It had an engine and everything. He absolutely loved it and took great joy in driving it through the homes and temples of his enemies. Don't mess with the King, he's got a tank.

Now every night I was sent fresh delicious foods and fruit along with as many beautiful women as I desired. Just as long as I didn't have sex with more of them than the King, that was a strict no no. No one out bangs the King. That's cool, I can live with that. I was fanned and had grapes dropped into my mouth. I was becoming kind of a real piece of shit and not everyone in the city was a fan of mine. A plot to end my existence in their world was discovered and shut down. The priests and monks of the local temple knew I shouldn't be here and that I had used forbidden future knowledge to gain wealth and power. But the Kings guard had found out about it and brought the leaders to my giant stone palace for me to deal with.

They placed them on their knees in front of me and handed me one of those cool curved knives that I almost died upon in the early days. Now it was my turn. I was expected to slaughter them myself. I didn't care for this, but I knew if I didn't do it I would be looked at as weak and would probably end up back in the baby diaper. So, I did what I had to do. With a quick stroke I cut their throats one by one, bleeding out and writhing in pain on the stone floor. Good thing I had gotten the optional blood channel installed in my new floors, because apparently this kind of stuff happens on the regular around here.

The King came in and gazed at me with pride. I had done well. I would be rewarded. There would be more gold, food, and women. You would think I'd get tired of riches and sex with so many beautiful women, but guess what, I didn't. Shocker.

The dream continued on into history and I don't remember a lot of it after that. I was eventually gifted one of the Kings own daughters and instructed to impregnate her, for the King wanted my seed, as his had become, thin and he now suffered from an embarrassing limpness that made him unable to perform. Of course, this was covered up and if anyone talked it was instant execution. But executions were becoming more and more common with the Kings daily outbursts of anger and rage. No one really knew why, but I did. Those blood channels in the floor became really handy that season.

Well, at least my child would become royalty and go on to be King or Queen. So, there was that. I think I died a big fat pig of a guy and was etched into the walls of some ancient pyramid somewhere. I would be remembered, my tomb would be fancy and ornate I'm sure. But I never saw it.