Read My Crap - Would You Like to Take a Survey?
Read My Crap - Would You Like to Take a Survey?
So, there I was, slowly coming to in a strange room made of bright shining metal with dark windows in the walls. I could see my reflection in the dark glass, they were obviously the kind used to observe someone without being seen. There were bright white lights coming from the ceiling which illuminated everything. It looked like an old DOOM level, there was a nicely made bed in the middle of the room, it was adorned with what looked like the finest of linens and softest of pillow. It looked so comfortable but I was lying on the hard metal floor, I was feeling very groggy, like waking up at 3AM after getting really drunk the night before. I had vague memories of going camping with some friends and being somewhere in the woods, but I couldn't remember exactly where. There was a small hot pool nearby that we had been frequenting over the night and the last thing I remember was walking down the path back to the campsite, half naked with my towel around my neck.
Now I find myself fully clothed and in this strange room. I looked down at my shoes, which had been tied perfectly, almost like a machine did it. My formerly dirty pants had been laundered and pressed to perfection. I felt horrible, but at least I looked great! I sat up from the floor and noticed a door behind me and in front were two guards with strange looking spear like weapons. These were not humans, they looked like giant skinny lizards. They stood perfectly still, their eyes did not move, and I wondered if they were even alive at all, maybe they were just statues? So, I stood up and tried to walk out the door. The lizard people immediately sprung to life and crossed their spears in front of the door, blocking my exit. They said nothing but would not allow me to leave the room.
That’s when the lights in the ceiling turned from white to red and purple and I felt myself lift off the ground. My arms and legs went all tingly like when you sleep on them wrong, and I could no longer move. My head was cradled and supported like I was in a floating recliner, but I was completely immobilized. Then a purple light began to emanate from one of the formerly blacked out windows in the room and a voice sprang to life from a small speaker in the corner.
“Human, welcome to your zone. You have been selected out of many for our research project, your willing participation is mandatory. You will find this zone adequate to your needs for the duration of your stay. Please, do not try to struggle or leave, it will only lead to unfortunate results. Please listen carefully to the following two options.”
“You may choose to willingly and consciously participate in our work, you may find some of the activities unpleasant, but you will not find yourself in pain or physically injured in any way.”
“You may also choose to refuse willing participation and in that case, you will be reduced in size and composition to a biological emulsion which we will study. Most species find this option to be very uncomfortable and can result in damage to the mind and even the death of the body."
Well, that wasn't hard choice. I don't care for the thought of being reduced to a "biological emulsion."
"I choose to participate willingly", I said loud and confidently. I didn't want any confusion here. Anxiety filled me, what am I in for here? Suddenly the lights snapped back to normal and where the bed used to be was now a desk with one little white computer on it, little black arrows now appeared in the floor directing me to the desk. With every step I took the little black arrows would turn green.
"These are the arrows of compliance", said the voice, "be sure to follow their direction and complete each task before moving on, a green arrow indicates compliance, a red one non-compliance which will result in punishment."
So I sat at the desk and an image appeared on the computer screen. It was a series of really stupid questions.
"Is this a bottle of orange juice?", one asked showing a little orange bottle with the name "Orange Juice" clearly printed on the label.
Uh, yes. Then a ding sounded and a little smiley face appeared over the question. They were all like that, ridiculously obvious and stupid questions. Then it started digging deeper into the dumb questions. Why do you think you would pick this orange juice over the others? Would you recommend this orange juice to a friend or family member? Why would you recommend this orange juice over the other options? Would you buy this orange juice for someone as a gift? Why would you choose this orange juice as a gift? Is more of a birthday gift or another event? And why do you think you would choose this particular orange juice for said events?
You know, it would be just my luck that I get abducted by the race of Marketing Surveyors. I wanted to stop, the questions just went on and on, and almost all of them were about orange juice! I get it, you guys really dig orange juice. But I kept my mouth shut, as I knew if I started acting up it was Emulsion time. So I answered all the dumb questions for what seemed like an eternity. Then the computer went dark and the arrows appeared pointing to the bed, which had now reappeared in the corner of the room. I undressed and slipped into the soft covers, it was wonderful, the most comforting bed I've ever laid in. The pillows were perfect, I immediately drifted off to sleep where I had dreams within dreams. I was shown colors and patterns that are indescribable on this simple plain of existence. These were woven into fabrics and were made into clothing for multi-dimensional beings.
Then it appeared in my mind, another survey. Question after question about the designs of the clothes for species I've never seen or heard of. I have no idea how my responses are going to be of any help to them at all.
I then found myself back in the middle of the bright lit room. But I was now wearing one of the designs. It was like an ancient roman tunic, but it had a little perfect square window in the crotch so everyone could see your balls. I put my hands over the window trying to hide my balls from observation. This was viewed as non-compliance and a red arrow appeared in front of me. I felt a sharp pain in my head and my vision shook violently.
"You have been warned!", said the voice in a booming commanding manor.
So there I stood in my silly tunic, balls proudly on display in my little widow.
"Is the human male not proud of the size of their genitalia?", "Why do you now try to cover yours?", asked the voice.
Well, sure, I guess we are in a way. But we don't just walk around showing off our balls to people, it's just not done. Just ain't right! We have laws against such things, you know, public indecency and such. That's a surefire way to land yourself on the sex offender registry!
"You are an interesting species, thank you for your participation, you have been very helpful to our work, and you will be rewarded.", spoke the voice.
Oh, what am I going to get?
But then I just woke up.
Where's my free gift, dammit?!
