Balls Capone

Poor Choices - With your host, Patrick Neville.

Today's Memory:  Fun with Lego's!

It was long ago, back when I was a young innocent teenager.  I was beginning to experience those certain special feelings and urges that teens do at that age and a whole new world of self exploration was before me, how amazing and fun!  Ah, to be young again. 

Anyway, this was long before the days of easily accessible internet porn and you'd be more likely to come across gold nuggets in your backyard than to find a promo mag anywhere in Centerville, Utah.  So one had to be creative.

I had just tried making my own visuals by taking a drawing of the Little Mermaid from school and using my eraser to remove her Seashells.  I then drew in my own poorly drawn boobs.  It sort of worked in the beginning, the excitement rushed through my body, but drawing was never one of my talents and she ended up looking more like a burn victim. Back to the ol' drawing board.

Well, it was an early summer morning and I was watching The Price is Right, but the show host girls were getting me rather hot and bothered.  I knew what I had to do, but there had to be a better way to do this, as my Little Mermaid picture had finally torn through after 100 failed attempts at drawing realistic boobs.

Then "Eureka!", a stroke of genius!  I would build myself an artificial vagina!  I had heard of it being done before with excellent results, so I set out to make the best one ever, but what could I use to make it?  I needed a medium was actually good with.  It suddenly struck me, Lego's!  I was great at building with Lego's, so why not make something useful for a change?  So I set to work, diligently working with excitement. This was going to be the best thing ever.  Again, waves of excitement fired through my body.

Soon, I had it finished, a strange looking squarish awkward box with a hole in the bottom.  But who cares what it looks like right?  As long as it works.  But what about the inside? 

I know!  I'll stuff if with newspaper and Vaseline!  Perfect!  God, I'm, smart!

I felt like Wile E. Coyote, super genius, but what I didn't know is that like a road runner cartoon, my invention was about to backfire horribly and painfully.

The time had finally come, the anticipation clawed at my insides, yet I was a little hesitant as there was this little voice in my head saying:

"Dude, dude, for real, what are you doing?!"

Yet, I quickly silenced the inner naysayer.

I barreled into it like a fat kid at a hot dog eating contest, at first I thought I had succeeded, "oh my, yes, oh yeah!", until seconds later, pain, searing horrible horrible pain!

Ever step on a Lego before?  Hurts doesn't it?  Well, imagine stepping on one with your dick.  The inside of my Lego dome was made of many of the sharp smaller blocks and in my haste, I hadn't realized what effect this may have on the performance of the item. 

I bellowed in agony and ripped this device of horrors from my body, in which more sharp edges became involved.  Blood and pain was the result. 

From that moment on I decided I would never again attempt to make my own sex toys, especially out of Lego's.

A very poor choice, indeed.