Read My Crap - Porp

The celebration was to begin, time was short, and preparation had to be done! For we were on the eve of Porp, a new holiday that had been invented by my cousin Kelsey. It was a worldwide success and Kelsey enjoyed fame and fortune beyond measure, she was often seen in Paris and New York designing Porp clothes for her major design label. Yet, upon the eve of every Porp she would appear back in Salt Lake City to celebrate with us mere mortals.

Porp was a floating holiday that was decided by an online or mail in poll every december. It could be any month, any time, it was randomly chosen by the people of the world every year. There was a code used to specify which Porp we were experiencing or which we'd use to recall events at Porps past. There were half Porps and full Porps, this was also decided at the poll. A Half-Porp was 5 days, a Full-Porp was 7.

"2/24 - (1/2)" or "6/32 - (1)"

This would describe the 24th Half-Porp of February or the 32nd Full-Porp of June. Many would have these codes tattooed upon their bodies in remembrance of a particularly awesome Porp. Porp was no regular holiday, it was a coming together, and joining of all people. Think about a block party, but this block party is everywhere and contains everyone. Total strangers would welcome you into their homes just like a dearly loved family member, everyone was your friend and everyone was always glad to see you. Whole rooms would erupt in joy every time you walked into a house, as if your long lost best friend just showed up after years.

No one worked during Porp, no one. Services were obtained by volunteers, but only if they chose to do so, so you had to be prepared for Porp. There were also many vending machines that were placed around the streets that would dispense most anything you needed for a low fee. Porp was a time for the ultimate relaxation and celebration of nothing more than being alive. Life is hard enough, why not have a real break, a real party where we all come together?

Yet there were some who willfully abstained from Porp and that was fine, it was up to you if you wanted to participate or not, but the "'Stains", as they were known by, were a group of very grumpy folks that usually congregated at the Libraries of the world to sit and grumble together about how everyone is so stupid for celebrating. They despised anyone partaking in Porp and thought it to be akin to drinking Drano, toxic for your soul and mind, but that couldn't further from the truth. There was also another group that was routinely avoided and also haunted the libraries during Porp, the Drags. Drags were mean spirited and evil people who pretended to be full of the Porp spirit just to get into your parties and bring the vibe down to bummer town, or cause pain, drama, or even death. They would have Porp Treats disguised as fun lighthearted cookies and things, yet underneath the thin candy shell was a bitter brown bummer, the depressing baked goods of the 'Stains and Drags. If you consumed a brown bummer it would put you into a trance like state where everything sucks, you're filled with hate, your anxiety is off the chart, and your appearance became like that of a deflated tire. Most victims of these vile cookies choose to be drugged or knocked out during the duration of the brown bummers effects, which could unfortunately last a Full-Porp, a very large bummer, indeed. Missing an entire Porp was devastating for the fun loving Porp goer. What a bunch of dicks they were.

I was sitting at the bar at my house when a knock came upon the door, it was my cousin Jeff Neville! It had begun, he was here for Porp and had brought an excellent Porp treat, his Blue Sky Brownies. It was pan full of what looked like clear blue sky, and when you'd eat a chunk you'd immediately be flying. Not really, but you know that experience in dreams where you're flying? It was like that, but right before your waking eyes. The clean cool fresh air rushing over your body as you twirl and dart through the bright blue sky on a warm sunny day. You were left with a wonderful warm feeling inside. Then came JJ Neville, in from Alaska with his own special Porp treats, Purple Lightning Gum! A grape flavored gum that when chewed would generate lightning that you could shoot out of hands, like the Emperor on Star Wars, but the lightning would only tickle you and make you burst into fits of cackling. It was really good time stuff! Ryanne and Kelsey were already at the table telling stories, laughing, and drinking Porp Wine. Don't worry, there was always enough to go around. Then came my cousin Katie, who recently left us, but in this dream, she was there with us to celebrate Porp. She burst through the door in her loud fashion exclaiming loudly her arrival and love for us all. She was explaining how she had to stop for gas and was be harassed by a group of 'Stains outside the gas station. "Fucking 'Stains....", she shouted. But she had brought Sunshine Sandies, one of the best Porp treats of all. One eaten, your eyes turned bright yellow and sunshine shown out your mouth. It brought the most happy comfortable good time feelings into you, and shown into others around you. Only she would have such power!

In the dream, time then began to move quicker and quicker, and at this point we had celebrated many wonderful Porps together, so many people, so many places, so much to describe. Like I said before, it was like everyone was family or your best friend, so it always felt great no matter who was there at the time. It all seemed to fly by in a flash and soon I saw the passing of myself and all that I knew. Even though I had passed on, I could still see time moving like a movie in front of me, I could speed it up or slow it down at will, but something was off, there was vibe that just wasn't right, something was out of balance and Porp was becoming strange and uncomfortable.

Well, it seems the 'Stains and Drags were growing in number and in the Libraries of the world they plotted the demise of Porp and the return of their cruelty and overwhelming bummer to the entire world. It seemed they were succeeding, Porp wasn't what it once was, and with their ever growing power, the 'Stains had turned public opinion against the celebration with the promise of money and power, but it was all ruse, it was just more and more work for all, and less and less time for anything else, life was becoming an overwhelming heavy burden again. Their evil plan was working and I could not do anything about it from the other side, as I was watching this unfold as an observer only, I had lived my years. I was seeing this dismal future world through the eyes and energies of the power of Porp, which was a connection to the true human soul and powered by the divine love itself. But the power was fading fast and the vision became blurry, the colors faded and became a series of greys and blacks, it was hard to make out any detail, everything seemed to be a shadow and run together.

Soon I saw Porp completely banned and anyone caught celebrating it was to be jailed in hellish pits called "heavy holes." The food was a slop mixed with crushed up brown bummers to keep you down, break your connection, and diminish the love of Porp. It was all too effective and soon Porp faded into a distant memory, the connection was totally broken, the old Porp numbers still scrawled onto old buildings and rocks now were like that of ancient hieroglyphs, no one really remembered what they meant anymore. Just a series of strange numbers from a long lost time, a time when things were better, when the connection was at its highest and the people were free to celebrate.

The people would come to these walls and place their calloused hands against the script, hoping to feel some of that ancient warmth and love that once existed here and exuded from the very writing itself, but to no avail, only the freezing cold dead brick of the solid world remained. Then the police would come to scatter the group, return them to their shacks, shanties, and heavy holes, and sandblast the ancient writings from the walls. They would tolerate no memory of Porp, it was forbidden, and a felony to have anything to do with it. Any attempt at reviving Porp could lead to life in a heavy hole. They would not execute, because they knew, death would be preferable to a, entire life in a heavy hole.

The Stain world was dark and dreary, all suffered dearly under their wicked world. Could we ever recover the connection? Would the world be forever a bummer, an eternal flat tire? Is it too late to get it back? Is it even possible anymore?

But that very thought was enough to sever the link forever.